more randomness

Don’t you love those moments by yourself whether you’re alone mentally or physically.  Just you and your music or silence.  Together.  It seems so nice, doesn’t it?  Like this morning, I’m listening to “Australia” by The Shins.  I’m not overdoing smiles that make my cheeks hurt and I could totally do this everyday.  I could sleep in until 9 or 10 too.  There’s something productive about being awake early.  Even if you’re not doing chores or studying, I feel like I have the whole day ahead of me.  When I wake up at 9, sure it feels nice, but at the same time, I feel like I wasted hours away.  I can’t wait to be up north next year when I can sneak to the beach to watch the sun rise.  Dudes, next year is going to be so epic.  I’ve determined that I could be content with having little friends up there.  I mean, I’m not going to push people away, but I’m not going to join a sorority I decided.  I don’t find them attractive and it’s just not worth it.  It’s not “me.”  Ooh, I love this song, “Mad World.”  I think I can use the time I have up there to take advantage of the change of scenery and perhaps a change of outlook.  I need physical change to mentally change my mind.  It’s so beautiful up there.  Ahhh, I can’t wait.

Moving On

Whoa.  Brain overload.  All of a sudden I feel like everyone’s having adventures.  Australia, London, moving to a new place.  I’m definitely happy for them but at the same time, I’m like, “That should be *me* having those adventures.”  I just feel so restless, especially still living at home where the parental units are still as strict as ever.  I know I’m moving away next year but that doesn’t seem to be approaching very fast.  I have to slog through this semester and then a whole other one.  Gah.  I’m craving a new place, preferably overseas and I won’t make it there for another two whole years.  Argh.  I really really wish I had time in my schedule to study abroad.  That would make me so happy.  I guess that’s not really in the plan though.  I’m just really afraid that after I get my Bachelor’s, that I’ll be so focused to go on to earning my Master’s which will take another two years and with my thesis I have to write and everything.  I can’t really picture myself leaving for a couple months to go overseas while I should be looking for a job and somewhere to live and I need to apply to colleges to get into their Social Work Master programs.  It’s just really overwhelming and I can picture myself finally making it overseas when I’m 40.  The opportune time is this summer, I really think because it’s in-between everything.  I’ll be transferring to a new college and I won’t be in the social work program yet, and I still have time.  I just want a little taste of freedom.

Does the music you listen to define who you are?

Sorry I haven’t posted anything lately.  I suppose my promise about writing everyday was just a fantasy.  Tonight’s pondering: does what you listen to (musically) say something about you?  I’ve always scorned country music since it’s hick and mostly talks about pot, the girlfriend leaving, and screaming patriotism in your face.  Not that I have problem with those things.  I listen to rap, showtunes, and some pop music.  I have to admit, the things I listen to aren’t very intelligent.  I stopped listening to ICP because they were just creepy and oh-so violent.  But then I listen to Eminem.  :/   I suppose some people would define intelligent music as the classic rock and roll or hipster music (not pop or well-known).  I don’t think the music effects me.  I don’t go around calling people “n*****s or “ma hos and bitches.”   Maybe it kills a few brain cells but I think I handle myself pretty well with knowing the difference between lyrics and real life.

I don’t really have anything else to say, I was just writing this to get the prompts after I post, is there any way I can get those without having to post?

Expressing Emotions

We all have insecurities.  Some less of a trifle than others, and others, not so.  I focus on mine a lot more than positive attributes I have.  I suppose they’re “easier” to judge myself on.  Do you ever find yourself doing the same thing?  I’m not a pessimist and I don’t burst people’s bubble with my bad attitude.  I’m kind of a laid back person.  I don’t yell back when you scream in my face but I will write about you after.  I write a lot of my feelings down and then throw it away.  It helps to get it out.  Sometimes I wish I could express my emotions in ways to satisfy others.  Some people may think I don’t care when I don’t yell or don’t get really happy- physically but that’s not really my way of showing how I feel.  Why fake a smile or act like I care when I don’t?  If I’m happy or feeling sentimental, I’ll let you know.  I guess I can be boring but I fine with that.

It’s so nasty out, I wish I was in bed.

“Funny when you’re dead, how people start listening”

All of my guy friends are officially all gay.  I find this funny.  A friend came out to me last night.  I’m really proud of him.  I don’t know if I could ever handle something like that.  With the whole bullying and coming out experience, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t survive.  It just really fucking sucks the opposition LGBT people face.  I find the bullying thing appalling.  How could anyone be that cruel to drive a person to suicide?  I guess they’re just better not coming out until after high school but what are you supposed to tell your teenager?  “You need to not be yourself until after graduation.”  How dumb is that?  I was reading Jamie Hubley’s blog last night and I was in tears as I listened to him sing “Born This Way,” by Lady Gaga.  The whole thing just makes me furious.  What is to be done though?  Making bullying illegal in school doesn’t even do anything.  People have the power of cyberbullying.  You could do it anonymously.  There’s no end to it.  Does it have to take death to make people stand up and say, “That’s enough”?

Nothing of Consequence…

Sometimes I’m glad I’m not thinner or have a toned body because then I’d turn into a slut.  This is my second year at college and I’ve never been to a party or clubbing.  I’m falling behind on the expectations 😛 Just kidding.

Someone smells like peppermint.

I’ve been really tired lately.  Need. Sleep.

I need to stop thinking everyone needs to drop what they’re doing to talk to me for two minutes.  Yeesh.

Oh shizzle, I suppose anytime would be good today to start studying for tomorrow’s exam.  Whoops.  I left  my stuff in the car.

Like I said in my last post, I’ve come a long way to thinking objectively.  These are my next goals:

To find inner peace without counting on anyone else.

To live on my own *eeeeee!*  less than a year away

To build my self-esteem without a boy

—–

Eminem is a genius, you know.

Growing up

I don’t understand what I’m living for.  What am I meant to do?  Where am I supposed to go?  I want to live overseas and counsel, but maybe I’m supposed to be a teacher in South Africa or Jamaica or Haiti helping out in impoverished areas.  You know?  I find it really odd how parents send mixed messages, “Grow up” is one reiterated around my life.  “When did you get to be so tall??  Stop growing!”   I have grown up mentally.  I’ve been reflecting a bit on how I’ve matured mentally.  I don’t have the whole “think outside the box” thing down but I’m working on it.  Here’s my list…

Religion- ex-Catholic, current atheist, still searching for something more spiritual than religious

Abortion- used to be totally against it but after that dream, I can understand why someone would do it.  Still not 100% for it.  There’s adoption.

Death penalty- against.  It’s so hypocritical, isn’t it?  Killing someone for killing someone?

Gay rights- totally for.  Never had established ground in the beginning but in definite support.

Views on government/foreign affairs- we should stop poking into other people’s business’ and try to solve the problems we’re having in our own country.  Yeah, I know it’s more complicated than that, but seriously.

Romantic relationship- I can wait.  I’m in no hurry.

Finding who my birthparents are- uncomfortable with the idea, but not closed to it either.

There are a lot more things, but these are the ones on top of my head right now.