I’m feeling in a rebellious mood.  I don’t go against the norm much.  I try to stay alive by being invisible, ya know?  See, I’m usually a compliant person.  Not a goody-goody, but I’m not studded in piercings and tattoos.  I have blue highlights, I listen to rap, and I’m an atheist.  I don’t want to do things I don’t feel comfortable with, like I’m not just going to go out and drink and party to defy someone but sometimes you’ve got to mess things up.

Ooh, I got a viewer.  I think this is the first time I didn’t promote my link somewhere else, not on Facebook or anywhere so I’ll be lucky if I get any viewers.  Thanks for checking this out though, this blog is obviously still getting started but I hope  it’s interesting!

Anyways, I wrote some stuff earlier; I’ll copy it down here.

Ok, so I’ve been thinking a bit about this relationship thing and how I’ve been telling E how she needs to find herself in order to have a working relationship and that the more she builds up her self-esteem, the less she’ll have to depend on the other person.

I’ve been thinking about myself in the regards of actually being mature enough to be in a relationship.  I don’t think it’s a good idea to be in a relationship until I have the utmost confidence in myself.  I am determined I won’t let my happiness depend on another person.  Until I reach that level of esteem when I can count on myself and am sure I’m pretty, smart, and worthy of any guy, I won’t/shouldn’t let another person hinder or distract me.  Maybe I’ll be alone forever but from what I’ve seen of my friends’ relationships, I’m not in a hurry to be involved.  See, I’m mostly nervous about how I’ll at once I’m in a relationship.  All that common sense crap I’ve told my friends, I won’t heed my own advice.  I don’t necessarily dislike depending on others, but I must admit, I’ve been disappointed by those I relied on.  Not that trust is bound forever.  The point being, I’m really really reluctant to depend on someone for my smile each day.  I can handle the heartbreak- I have before.  It’s not pretty but I can do it.  No, I’m more concerned about the damage to my self-esteem.  I’m 19 years old and have never been in a relationship so maybe I speak from naivety sometimes.


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