Whine :P

I can’t express how I feel.  Physically.  By speaking it, by showing it.  Most of it’s me being a chicken.  It’s so frustrating sometimes.  I just feel this wall between my mouth and lips.  I’m dying to tell you how much I like you or how much I want you to fuck off and leave me alone.  I get categorized as quiet and shy.  Lately my dad has been really bugging me about being more social since I want to be a social worker.  He’s been pissing me off lately actually.  Along with his joke about me being an elitist which was never funny to begin with, he’s just been really nagging me.  My parents don’t know who I am and so I don’t really think they have the liberty to judge me.  I know they can’t help it; they have to go off of what I show them.  I feel so misunderstood when they label me for something and I want to scream, “That’s not why I did it!”  I’m too dumb to think of being manipulative or scheming.  Well ok, some stuff I get around.  I don’t understand why they won’t let me grow up.  It’s not like I’m the oldest child and they don’t want their baby girl to grow up.  I’m 19 years old and I still have to ask permission to go over to a friend’s house whom they already know and more or less approve of.  I’m underestimated.  I think they think I’m going to go party and get drunk and have sex.  That’s not who I am and if they understood it, me, and the guilt track I have, they would be more lax I think.  My conscience is way too sensitive though, I should work on that.  I hate going behind their backs sometimes for something so simple that isn’t a big deal but if that’s the way I have to do it, I will.  You’d think that after both of my brothers have been in counseling, they’d realize that they’re doing something wrong.  I wanted counseling so bad when I was depressed.  All three of their adopted children going to counseling?  That would have looked bad.  Ugh.  I don’t know.  I know they think I’m dumb.  Or I “try hard.”  Argh, but I feel so conflicted because as much as I feel like I’m all sacrificial and suppressed, maybe I’m just a carpet like they said.  Yeah, they both said I let people use me.  I won’t deny that but again, they don’t understand.  I don’t have many friends (but I won’t bitch about that) and it’s so nice to be needed.  I’m 19 years old.  I’m a big girl.  I don’t need anyone’s approval.  :/

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Alone in the Cafe…

I’m sitting by myself in this cafe.  There’s this gay couple in front of me.  Playing with each other’s hands and kissing now and then.  I feel more alone than ever…  Sometimes I wonder if I’m missing out.  I’m talking to this guy.  I think I like him.  I know for sure he likes me.  What’s the point though?  He lives in New York.  I’m here.  I’m not going to drop my life to go live with him.  I don’t believe long-distant relationships are for me.  I don’t see the point in this inevitable heart break.  Waste of my time…?

Don’t tell me who I am

You call me a doormat

I know I am but

I don’t need you telling me that

Do I?

I don’t know

I guess it’s the feeling of being needed

It’s so nice to be needed

So to me, it’s not really a big deal.

I don’t know

I’m not a total doormat

I say “no” to some stuff

You call me weak

It kind of hurts

So I turn up the music

And block the world out with my headphones

I don’t like being told who I am

So I raise my middle finger at you

Even though you’re right

Burn

On fire

In the middle of a crowded intersection

Flaming rags

Burning flesh

No one notices

His wails mesh

With the cries of delighted shoppers

Barking canines

And there he smolders

Exhale

Smoke surrounds me

As I sit in this foggy atmosphere

Vision unclear

Mind muddled

I take a deep breath

And exhale

My steamy breath covering the iced glass

So cold

That tears are frozen on my cheeks

I inhale again

Choking on a sob

 

Vultures

Circling vultures

Over your dying

Decaying

Body

 

Waiting for you to take

Your last breath

You will be

Devoured

 

The church bells toll

Announcing the birth of one

And

The death of another

Rawr

Rant:

People need to leave me alone.  I’m really tired of you, ok?  Just back off and leave me alone so I have time to breath.  Also, if you’re going to miss class a lot due to being “under the weather” and keep asking ME to send you the notes, just fucking withdraw from the course.  I was nice that one time I scanned the notes to you.  No more.  I’m also going to fail my soc exam tomorrow.  I don’t know anything.  I was too busy doing my stupid philosophy essay exams.  6 pages of damn philosophers.  I’m really debating on taking the make-up exam but it sounds horrible..all essays- I’m better off taking my chance with multiple choice.  I had a total of 7 espresso shots today…wonder what that’s doing to my body.  College sucks balls.  I’m fucked.  Should be studying for my exam tomorrow but I dunno if it’s worth it.  I’ll make up for it with my research paper.  Fuck me.  Why can’t I ever have straight guy friends who aren’t interested in me???