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Whine :P

I can’t express how I feel.  Physically.  By speaking it, by showing it.  Most of it’s me being a chicken.  It’s so frustrating sometimes.  I just feel this wall between my mouth and lips.  I’m dying to tell you how much I like you or how much I want you to fuck off and leave me alone.  I get categorized as quiet and shy.  Lately my dad has been really bugging me about being more social since I want to be a social worker.  He’s been pissing me off lately actually.  Along with his joke about me being an elitist which was never funny to begin with, he’s just been really nagging me.  My parents don’t know who I am and so I don’t really think they have the liberty to judge me.  I know they can’t help it; they have to go off of what I show them.  I feel so misunderstood when they label me for something and I want to scream, “That’s not why I did it!”  I’m too dumb to think of being manipulative or scheming.  Well ok, some stuff I get around.  I don’t understand why they won’t let me grow up.  It’s not like I’m the oldest child and they don’t want their baby girl to grow up.  I’m 19 years old and I still have to ask permission to go over to a friend’s house whom they already know and more or less approve of.  I’m underestimated.  I think they think I’m going to go party and get drunk and have sex.  That’s not who I am and if they understood it, me, and the guilt track I have, they would be more lax I think.  My conscience is way too sensitive though, I should work on that.  I hate going behind their backs sometimes for something so simple that isn’t a big deal but if that’s the way I have to do it, I will.  You’d think that after both of my brothers have been in counseling, they’d realize that they’re doing something wrong.  I wanted counseling so bad when I was depressed.  All three of their adopted children going to counseling?  That would have looked bad.  Ugh.  I don’t know.  I know they think I’m dumb.  Or I “try hard.”  Argh, but I feel so conflicted because as much as I feel like I’m all sacrificial and suppressed, maybe I’m just a carpet like they said.  Yeah, they both said I let people use me.  I won’t deny that but again, they don’t understand.  I don’t have many friends (but I won’t bitch about that) and it’s so nice to be needed.  I’m 19 years old.  I’m a big girl.  I don’t need anyone’s approval.  :/

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