Just realized college involves money…

I’ve never had to worry about financial aid because of the scholarship I’ve had which paid for the whole two years of community college minus books.  Next year, I enter the world of typing multiple essays trying desperately to accumulate enough scholarships to make a dent in tuition and that whole nonsense so I have to take less loans out as possible.  I know my parents will help me out, but a.) that’s kinda really pushing it with them paying for my brother’s private school tuition too and b.) I want to depend on my parents financially as little as possible.  I’d much rather take out loans than taking money from them and paying them back.

So the meal plan I signed up for next year is an 8-meal-a-week dealio which also includes an extra $355 per semester and approximately $71 each month (not bad) for other food purposes on campus.  I swear, meal plans cost so much.  I plan on eating Ramen and salads though so it should be good.  I’ll try to not take advantage of the unlimited grazing they allow during each visit.

Tuition- about $8, 414

Room and board- $5, 339

Meal plan- $2, 774

Rec pass- $130

Athletic pass- $112.50

Plus books

Scholarship- I got $1000 without really trying

So this adds to roughly about $15, 769

I’m not sure if I’m adding in room and board correctly.

$15, 769.

And that’s “cheap.”   The other school I was considering- the tuition, JUST the tuition is $30,000.

Damn.

I’m lucky I got by the first two years of college for basically free.
I should work out tomorrow.  I really should start doing this every day dealio I said I’d do.

I’m so tired.  I drank two cans of doubleshot from Starbucks when I got out of work.  That’s how exhausting my day was.  Had enough energy to make dinner.  Gotta shower…  Looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow anyhow.

Study Abroad: Not in the equation :(

I’m green with envy right now.  Ahhhh, don’t be a bitch, Katie.

My friend’s definitely going overseas to study abroad this summer.  In Italy.  I’m. So. Jealous.  She deserves it, I’ll admit that.  She’s double majoring and she’s the kind of person who is on the honor roll every semester.  I’m still jealous.

I can’t study abroad because it won’t fit in my schedule which means I’ll have to wait until after I earn my Bachelor’s, if I even have time then.  And by that time, it probably won’t be “studying abroad,” it’ll be out of my own pocket.

Damnit.  She’ll be having all kinds of grand adventures that I should be having.

I sound like a selfish bitch, I know.

Everyone’s having adventures 😦  One acquaintance is getting ready to go to South Korea to teach for a year, another friend is studying abroad in Africa.

Damnit.

I’ll never make it over there…  I can see my dream bubbles being popped right now.  *poke*

 

Sunday Thoughts

I haven’t done my math homework yet.  That’s what Sunday nights are for, right?

I love showtunes.  I wish I could sing.

I can’t believe it’s the end of January already.  That means…16 weeks and one day until orientation.  30 weeks and 4 days until I move in.  Roughly 7 months.  Sighhh.  Subtract about 5 months for school right now.  Plus my brother’s coming sometime in the summer back to the States with his girlfriend.  ANYTHING to speed this summer up.

I don’t think I’m going to get a summer counseling job.  I’m not exactly sure how I acquire talent either.  I hardly think I’m qualified to teach anything.  I mean I’m an average piano player but teaching it?  Ehhh, I dunno.  It would be SO nice to get a full time job during the summer though.  I wish I could work up north during the summer and get a feel for the area before I start school but I don’t really want to move up there that soon and I’d have to find somewhere to live.

I’m not used to having summers.  I won’t know what to do with myself.

Oh life, how you play games with me…

Just Because

So I went out and socialized with a friend earlier *gasp*.  It was much needed.  The socializing part, I mean.  I probably should do it more often.

I can’t wait until I move away and live on campus.  Commuting sucks.  No proper socializing and tons of money put into gas.  I suppose that’ll be ok that I won’t be getting the car when I go up north even though I’ll be minority of upperclassmen who won’t have their own vehicle.  Ah well, I can’t wait until my phone plan DIES.  Buying a smartphone was one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done.

My receipt tonight was $6.66.  O.o I’m afraid.  Verrrry afraid.

Oh gosh, I sound awful but I absolutely love when people from your old high school turn into party animals or drop out.  It’s so satisfying to see that you’re on top now.  They might have had good days in high school but they’re so screwed now.  I don’t have any specific resentments, I got along with almost everyone, but still…super satisfying.

Herp derp.

I don’t understand when people tell you to grow up but when you do, they ask where all the time went.

I’m at 50 Facebook friends, that’s wayyyy too many *sarcasm* gotta unfriend xP

I’m blathering just because I should.  It’s a good habit to blather.

Introverted Friday Night…

It’s Friday night and I’m here in my room alone with the earbuds shoved in.  My typical exciting night.  Whee.  I told myself I should be social this weekend and hang out with people…  This weekend I have to clean my room and do my homework.  And honestly, I’m actually looking forward to that.  Am I totally weird?  I think so.  I just finished my book; I’m in a Peter Pan mood right now.  I try not to let myself get carried away with fantasy, but flying, mermaids, and pirates?  What better else to read?  Hmm, don’t answer that, but it’s my guilty pleasure along with the chocolate cookies under my bed.  Muwahaha.  I have to even out my pathetic life with some chocolate-y goodness somehow.

I should feel lame, right?  I should be out partying or hanging with friends.  The thing is, I don’t really want to, I guess.

I had lunch with my aunt (my mom’s sister) yesterday.  She wanted to talk about my brothers and mom.  I don’t mind but it’s like I’m expected to join forces and rebel against my parents.  I mean she doesn’t exactly put it like that but I can tell she thinks I’m like my brothers and how I just am longing for someone to understand me and protect me from my evil parents.  I know I complain about my parents a lot but they do a lot of good things.  It’s just on the emotional level where we all get tangled and confused.  Anyhow, just a thought.

The weekends aren’t different from any other day…

I agreed to go out to dinner on Thursday with a friend.  Red Lobster.  I detest seafood.  Just eating those poor lobsters that were in the tank just seconds ago…alive.  Ew.  And I don’t appreciate the smell either.  Ah well, I’ll just get fish and chips or something.

can’t think…

of an interesting title.  My legs are so freaking sore.  I’m definitely out of shape.  I’m not sure about working out- is it good to work out every day?  Wait, that sounds dumb, it’s all good.  I feel accomplished.  I did a whole chapter of homework *gasp*  I finally got my books- college textbooks, gawd they’re a rip off.  I had to buy the binder version of a book which the store absolutely does not buy back so there goes $100.  I need to send in my housing application for the fall…I really want to live in the junior-status building.  I have a whole list of stuff to do.  Bleh, I’m still sleeping in until 10 tomorrow, yesss,  I love afternoon classes.  I only say 10 because any later is when my head is on the chopping block.  Kidding.  Sort of.  I completely blew my diet today with the cookies I had.  Eghads.  I’m in a rut, my rule is to always nurse the wallowing XD anywho, my battery’s about to die.  *big yawn* Cheers.

Frustrated

Just some thoughts going through my mind right now…gotta think out loud.

Aunt said what I’ve always had lurking in my mind ever since Mom said something about what else she could have done with her life. I dunno. I know Mom loves us and everything but I’m also sure she regrets not getting her Master’s degree. She belongs in a leadership position. She just does. She’s capable and I know she resents working under people who are…idiots. She could have had a different life. Sometimes I have this irrational guilt trip of holding her back. I know it’s dumb. It’s just that…looking at us kids- Nick in the Navy as a last resort, Mike having no life at age 22, me going to a community college, Ian with a big mouth and bad work ethic- what’s so great about us? I’m being honest. Maybe it’s just me but I see nothing note-worthy about this family. I guess that doesn’t matter but I think it does to her. After she got done talking with the lady at the football game, she turned to me and repeated what the lady had told her- that the son graduated from the military academy and her daughter had spent a semester abroad doing something- I could just hear the tone in her voice- the wistfulness. That’s why I kinda feel the pressure to do something more with myself. To make her choice well chosen? It’s not her who’s trying to live through me or anything, ironically it’s myself. That’s why I need to do something great in my life. I went to a parochial school with a good reputation-check, got the first two years of college paid for- check, I’m going to try to double major- meh, I think it’s too late, but at least I thought of it- check, I’m going to get my Masters-check (don’t really have a choice anyhow), I have a goal, I want a real job, ooh, I’m going to a university and moving out by age 20-check, well…Mike, but I didn’t take 4 years to get an Associate’s. I just feel this constant pressure to be better than Nick and Mike. Sibling rivalry I suppose. Argh. I just feel so embarrassed by them sometimes. I already feel like a failure. Mom and Dad don’t exactly help by ragging on me for every little thing I do like me not making my bed or sleeping in until 11. I know I’m not the best driver in the world, I know my marks in school haven’t been the best, I know I don’t engage with the family as much as I should, I know I don’t have any friends, I’m not perfect. I know that. I just heard today that my cousin tried to commit suicide again. Jesus. I’m determined not to be that fucked up. Seriously. I don’t blame him though. Maybe it’s for the best. What’s the use of being alive and miserable? It’s like dying every day instead of just once. I don’t wish that he would die of course. It’s just that I understand.
Third: O
Bullocks. Ever since our last conversation, I don’t know what to say. “It’s a kind sentiment, but it’s bullshit.” Ouch. That made me stop and think though. How many sentiments do I waste saying but they’re completely stupid to even say without knowing for sure? I can’t talk to anyone without feeling fake. I just can’t. What am I supposed to say? I’m a hopeful person for others. I figure he’s just denying what he really knows inside but I just assumed that. Kinda like how I tear myself down sometimes but deep down I really know I’m smarter than that. But maybe…just maybe things aren’t going to work out. Maybe they aren’t but when I try to put those words, “Things aren’t going to be OK” to his person, I can’t because it doesn’t fit. It doesn’t seem right, ya know? Like I can see him and I not working out but when I just see him and his future? I think it really is going to be fine. I’m not just saying that. I really…bleh.

I’m in my mental cocoon right now.