Just some thoughts going through my mind right now…gotta think out loud.

Aunt said what I’ve always had lurking in my mind ever since Mom said something about what else she could have done with her life. I dunno. I know Mom loves us and everything but I’m also sure she regrets not getting her Master’s degree. She belongs in a leadership position. She just does. She’s capable and I know she resents working under people who are…idiots. She could have had a different life. Sometimes I have this irrational guilt trip of holding her back. I know it’s dumb. It’s just that…looking at us kids- Nick in the Navy as a last resort, Mike having no life at age 22, me going to a community college, Ian with a big mouth and bad work ethic- what’s so great about us? I’m being honest. Maybe it’s just me but I see nothing note-worthy about this family. I guess that doesn’t matter but I think it does to her. After she got done talking with the lady at the football game, she turned to me and repeated what the lady had told her- that the son graduated from the military academy and her daughter had spent a semester abroad doing something- I could just hear the tone in her voice- the wistfulness. That’s why I kinda feel the pressure to do something more with myself. To make her choice well chosen? It’s not her who’s trying to live through me or anything, ironically it’s myself. That’s why I need to do something great in my life. I went to a parochial school with a good reputation-check, got the first two years of college paid for- check, I’m going to try to double major- meh, I think it’s too late, but at least I thought of it- check, I’m going to get my Masters-check (don’t really have a choice anyhow), I have a goal, I want a real job, ooh, I’m going to a university and moving out by age 20-check, well…Mike, but I didn’t take 4 years to get an Associate’s. I just feel this constant pressure to be better than Nick and Mike. Sibling rivalry I suppose. Argh. I just feel so embarrassed by them sometimes. I already feel like a failure. Mom and Dad don’t exactly help by ragging on me for every little thing I do like me not making my bed or sleeping in until 11. I know I’m not the best driver in the world, I know my marks in school haven’t been the best, I know I don’t engage with the family as much as I should, I know I don’t have any friends, I’m not perfect. I know that. I just heard today that my cousin tried to commit suicide again. Jesus. I’m determined not to be that fucked up. Seriously. I don’t blame him though. Maybe it’s for the best. What’s the use of being alive and miserable? It’s like dying every day instead of just once. I don’t wish that he would die of course. It’s just that I understand.
Third: O
Bullocks. Ever since our last conversation, I don’t know what to say. “It’s a kind sentiment, but it’s bullshit.” Ouch. That made me stop and think though. How many sentiments do I waste saying but they’re completely stupid to even say without knowing for sure? I can’t talk to anyone without feeling fake. I just can’t. What am I supposed to say? I’m a hopeful person for others. I figure he’s just denying what he really knows inside but I just assumed that. Kinda like how I tear myself down sometimes but deep down I really know I’m smarter than that. But maybe…just maybe things aren’t going to work out. Maybe they aren’t but when I try to put those words, “Things aren’t going to be OK” to his person, I can’t because it doesn’t fit. It doesn’t seem right, ya know? Like I can see him and I not working out but when I just see him and his future? I think it really is going to be fine. I’m not just saying that. I really…bleh.

I’m in my mental cocoon right now.


2 Responses

  1. Everyone has this phase sooner or later in life. It’s not just you, so don’t feel so alone.

    My parents have been ragging on me to get on with my life for a while now. My dad came from nothing to being a super powerful diplomat, and I guess he kind of expects the same from me if not more. According to him, he didn’t have all the facilities that I’m being given. I should be privileged and do even better in life than he ever did. But it’s not that easy. He doesn’t understand that life was simpler back then. I’m not making excuses, I’m just stating facts. You didn’t have cell phones on your back the whole day or email from your professors nagging to you submit the some paper. x_x

    It’s like.. I’d thought I’d be SOMEWHERE in life by now and yet I’m still so lost. I know the main checkpoints, but even passing them doesn’t seem to make me happy. I don’t know.

    I’m looking for something more, but I just can’t seem to find it.

    • It’s nice to not feel like a total freak for feeling like this XD I agree with everything you said. It should be simple :/ it’s just…not and I’m not getting through to the rents about that. Le sigh. And we continue to struggle…yay us.

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