“A Noticeable Nobody”

Warning, this is going to be another “poor me” post.  I’ve been feeling a bit under the weather and it just all builds up after a while, you know?

I don’t feel I can talk to anyone without being a burden.  I was going to talk to some friends yesterday to unload this all on them (lol) but I felt…guilty and needy.  Plus I have this habit of keeping it all inside, so ya know.  xP

That’s also a problem, with my RL friends, I don’t feel like any of them care about me.  I understand.  School and boyfriends come first.  What I don’t get is how they always say they’re busy but they have time to update their status on Facebook.  And they can’t send me a quick “hey, thinking of you” text?  That’s all I want.  Just some acknowledgement that they’re aware of my existence.

My dad got upset at me yesterday (for good reason, I’ll admit) and he kept on saying I was immature and needed to grow up.  That on top of my crappy day I was having- well, it was all I could do to not cry like a baby in front of him.  I mean, I’ll agree, I can be quite stupid and simple-minded often but I don’t think I’m immature.  Guess it’s objective, huh?

I just want to get out of here.

I really loathe myself sometimes.

Pitiful.

Diet

I’m going to lose weight.  For real.  I read through some pro-ana tips and there was some pretty reasonable advice.  The thing that I got from there is to drink lots of cold water and teas and most importantly, to love the feeling of an empty stomach.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to be anorexic or bulimic.  I don’t have the willpower to starve myself and I love food too much.  Plus, bulimia gives you nasty teeth.  I’m just going to moderate what I eat more.

My starting weight is: 155

My (ideal) ending weight is: 125

With plenty of exercise, fruits, vegetables, and water, I’m absolutely determined to lose these 30 pounds.

Since I’m starting today, I have to forgive myself because I ate about 5 oreos and about three pieces of bread with tuna.

I would love to shed the 30 by the time I move so that would put me at 4 months, 7 1/2 lost each month.  Doesn’t sound too bad.

Vutever

I’m so emotionally tired.

To the point of where I don’t know what to feel.

And I’m basically failing one of my classes.  (That I like.)

And I’m actually acing my one of my classes.  (That I dislike.)

And my friend trying to kill herself.

And checking in on him to make sure he hasn’t lost it and committed suicide too.

And f**king hormones on top of everything, making me even more irritable and pissy.

The only thing I’m looking forward to this weekend is going to see the Hunger Games with my brother.

The Skrillex version of Cinema is the most amazing techno song ever.  I’m blasting that right now.

I know I’ve said it so many times before and you’re probably sick of hearing it but…I just can’t wait to go up north.

I have friends but I’m so lonely.

Alone and lonely.

I just want to sit on the beach all day and read.

I’m really tired of life right now.

Too busy worrying about everyone else’s to take care of mine.

Oh my god, Birthday Cake Oreos are the best thing ever.

Fat blob here.

 

Back!

My vacation was pretty…eventful.  Besides the part where the CDs I made only played halfway through (it’s ok, I had 7 of them), the drive wasn’t that awful although two hours was long.

Friday: Left and met my friend around 3.  We hung out at his dorm, went to the rec, and I met some of his friends.  At 10:30, we joined his friend and drove to the club about a half hour away.  Lemme tell ya, I know I’m a horrible driver but now I know what it’s like to drive with me.  The girl who drove was…well, I thought I might not make it home that night!  Clubbing- not my thing.  I awkwardly swayed side to side, trying to look like I was having fun and knew what I was doing but I’m sure I looked stiff and plain awful at dancing.  It wasn’t a horrible experience but it’s not something I would jump do to again.  It might have been less awkward if I were with people I knew.  I mean, I knew my friend, but there were about five other girls who were all nice, just that I didn’t know all that well and me being the shy person I am, didn’t really connect that much.  Dancing by yourself sucks.

Anyway, we got back to the dorm around 3am, I fell asleep and woke up five hours later (fml), and debated on whether I should take a shower or not while everyone else was asleep.  Also awkward- using a bathroom that’s shared by three other guys whom I do not know is weird.  I really needed a shower though…  I said my goodbye and started on my two hour trip to my other friend’s college, happily munching on popcorn and drinking a Coke for breakfast.  So healthy-not.

I made it to her place in the afternoon.  It was Saint Patrick’s Day and I forgot to pack green!  *facepalm*  oops.  And then…we went to go see BO BURNHAM!  He’s freaking hilarious.  Crude humor but totally funny.  It was kind of ironic because the comedy show was in a church and there was definitely some R-rated things being said.

It was a splendid weekend though, I got a taste of the college life that I really want and it tastes really good.  Being in a college town with people my age…

I just cannot wait to go up north.

Spring Break xD

Hear ye, hear ye. I have spring break plans! For once in my life, I won’t feel lame coming back from break and listening to the grand adventures.

So Friday, I’m going to visit a friend at his school and we’re going to go clubbing along with other shennanigans (not like that, he’s gay).  Then I’m visiting another friend at her college and we’re meeting up with a mutual friend of ours and going to Bo Burnham’s concert.

Did I mention I’m going to be doing this fantastic roadtrip all by myself?! I know, I’m way behind everyone else but I’m finally getting freedom!  It’s gonna be a blast. 😀  I need to make roadtrip CDs and such!!! Wheeeee!

haihai

I haven’t been writing much lately.  Due to the combination of emotional stress and the lack of a topic to write about, I haven’t had much to say.  Still don’t really but I thought I’d pop in every now and then.  I just feel hopeless and helpless right now but I’m looking forward to spring break.  I’m trying to get together with a friend.  I was due to visit her a long time ago at her college and I figure that while I’ve got time and no due dates, I’ll visit her.  We’re still working on dates though.  My dad gave his disgruntled “ok” which was surprising, I thought he’d put up more resistance than that.  If my friend’s too busy though, I still might go somewhere.  Just to get away, I dunno.  A refresher weekend would be nice.  I’d probably go up north.

Anyway, only two more months of school left!  Two more months until my orientation.  It’ll be my birthday while I’m up there for orientation.

My mom’s interviewing for a new job, I hope she gets it.  For the sake of her getting it and so I can go to orientation by myself.  ^_^   Ahh, I can’t wait to be up there.  By myself.  With no family, no religion, no obligations.  Already, my family’s planning a vacation around taking me to college, oh goodie, my last family festivities.  Sorry…it’s not like I don’t love my family but what 19 year old isn’t sick of their parents?

With the whole religion thing, I try.  I really do.  I go to church every Sunday without complaining, I pray before meals with the rest of the family, I don’t eat meat on Fridays, I just make an effort to cooperate.  Yesterday, I was at this four hour long event with my family for my brother’s confirmation and the atmosphere which I once thought was energizing and kinda cool is now washed-out and a strange place to be in.  I’m an outsider.  I want to be an outsider but I shouldn’t even be an outsider.  I can’t wait until I’m free from all of this.  I really want to tell my parents but I really want these next few months to not be awkward between us all.  I know for a fact that I’d get even more snide comments and stony glances.  Maybe I’m chicken but it’s just not worth destroying the peace.  My mom said my dad thinks I’m going to stop going to church when I move.  He’s right.  I wish they understood that it’s not because I’m lazy or don’t want to make an effort; it’s because it’s not who I am and I wish they could respect that.

Sigh…whatever.

Today’s my last day of actual gym class.  I mean, I have Wednesday but we’re not doing anything really.  I’ll actually miss this class.  This means I’m going to have to start working out at the gym now.  I’ve got the membership until May.  Or April, I forget.  Then, I’m left on my own during the summer O.o scary thought.  I’m going to start jogging/walking in the early morning though.  7:30am on summer mornings.  I DO this to myself.  I hate walking in the heat though.  I’m really looking forward to actually getting to class on time, the brisk walk from gym (with wet hair) was cutting it close.

I really need coffee.  I can’t drink it before gym otherwise I get hydrated and have to pee a lot.  I can’t wait to get my own coffee maker too.  I was just looking for a normal coffee pot but now, I’m thinking I can’t live without espresso and it would just be cheaper to get a combo coffee/espresso maker than buy espresso from Starbucks.

 

Fuck you fuck you fuck you.

I can’t take it anymore.

I’m in a bad mood and talking with O didn’t help.  I can’t take him just talking about committing suicide so casually.  I just lost it and started crying.  Fine.  Whatever.  Go do it.  Don’t keep on making suicidal remarks because it’s depressing and it kills me inside.  I know it sucks, I’ve been there.  Just don’t say you want to die and think I can take it.