Socializing

I’m spending this lonely Friday night in my room listening to Vampire Weekend’s “Diplomat’s Son” and enjoying my cheery Christmas lights.

Today did not go well.

Last Friday, (long story short) I received a noise violation along with an alcohol violation.  I just met with the RD this evening.  I got off really lucky- 13 weeks of probation.  I was surprised the sentence was so light.  No community service, no calling parents.  That made this whole week suckish though because I didn’t know what to expect.  I was worrying about getting my scholarship being taken away and getting in serious amounts of trouble with the college.  I hereby swear off drinking until I’m 21.  The embarrassing part was when I cried in front of my RD.  I was oddly emotional today.  Between waking off and on at 4:30 and 7:30 in the morning, watching P.S. I Love You and shedding tears in scenes I never have before, I was a wreck.

On another note, my roommate has hit it off well with all of the normal people which is great but naturally, I’m jealous.  I wish I wasn’t.  I wish so much.  She’s so pretty and funny and all of the guys like her.  I just feel that I’m following her around.  I wish that could be me.  Mostly that guys liked me…  I feel like a shadow so I’m not going to do it anymore.  I know that it means more nights by myself but that’s all right.  I’ve done it before.

I’ve been social, I’ve gone out of my shell.  I’ve went up to doors and introduced myself to strangers I don’t even know.  Everyone tells me to be more social.  I’m so sick of the “social workers have to be social” jab.  I’m trying.  I really am.  I’m not getting any results from it.  It’s just frustrating.

I don’t feel like I’m being myself anymore.  I hate myself, I hate people, I hate it here.  Well, that’s a lie, I could never hate it here.

I feel another beach night coming on…sigh.

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Things are not what they seem…

I’m really lonely.

Not homesick, just lonely.

Mind you, I’ve met a lot of great people and everything, just no one that I’ve really clicked with.  Not to mention the lovely people I am not at all fond of and have to design routes to avoid walking past their doors.

Another thing that’s been bothering me, why is it so important to me to know who I am?  With college, I’m surrounded by boys, the temptation to hook up for the night, alcohol, other not-smart decisions.  If I want those things, does that mean that’s a part of me I have to satisfy?  At the same time, I have the same questions when I’m doing positive things, like going to open doors and introducing myself.  That’s where I get confused since I’m having the same uncomfortable, awkward feeling for good and bad things.

I take bike rides to the beach when I can’t stand it any more, when I can’t stand just laying there and feeling sorry for myself.  Needless to say, I’ve been taking those rides quite often.

I wish I could just be rid of these clouds hovering over.  I mean, what on earth do I have to be unhappy about?  I’m at a new school, I’m away from my parents, away from home, away from being smothered, I have a brand new life, this is all I ever dreamed about.  I’m in a beautiful place with the beach five minutes or so away.

I just don’t know.